5 Things Everyone Gets Wrong About Mental Illness...

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Seriously, click the link!

Depression Article on HuffPost...

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6 Things to NOT say with someone with depression.

Sometimes, happy stuff makes me mad...

Because I don't CHOOSE to be unhappy and depressed. It's almost entirely chemical.

Except for all the bad stuff happening right now and that's happened. That's situational. Environmental. And COMPLETELY not my fault. But I understand that it affects my mood, too.

BUT!

To make it seem like choosing to be happy is as simple as waking up in the morning and turning on a switch? Eat dirt.

Maybe for "normal" people...

Maybe.

One year and One Half.. 1 1/2

Over this past year and a half or so, seven of my friends and one cat have died.

It's fucking depressing.

It is also incredibly hard to deal with and handle. I barely know how to cope with Grandpa dying. How do I cope with the deaths of seven of my friends. Admittedly, some of them I was closer to than others. I have an insanely large friend's list (on facebook); at least I think so. I know people die. It's a part of living and life and all that jazz.

But SEVEN?! (Or eight if you count Crabbi, my cat, and I DO).

I didn't recover from my first friend fucking dying on me, and then another friend died... and then another... and then another...

and infinity...

So it's safe to say I'm a fairly big mess. (As if that wasn't evidenced by my first post about Grandpa).

I am unsure how to deal with so much GRIEF. I don't think I've gotten past the crying stage. It seems that's all I can do. All I've been doing for the last year and a half. UGH. Pretty much everything makes me cry.

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Tears :'(

Ok, so this might get long, and it might get emotional, but I'm finally putting it out here because it's probably important that I talk about it.

My Grandpa is dying. He has leukemia, which is a form of blood or bone marrow cancer. I know it's a broad term, very unspecific as to what type exactly it is- I'll be honest, I am NOT going to ask my Grandpa at this point exactly what kind of leukemia he has. I might, at some point, ask my Aunts or Uncles because I am innately curious, and this might be important someday for me to know. Maybe.

I fucking HATE cancer. It is an awful, horrible thing and I don't think it's fair that it's taking the people I love and care about away from me. And it makes me cry and cry and cry.

So, Grandpa has less than six months to live, at least that is what the doctors say, and he is under hospice care at his (new) home with Grandma, Gaile & Pat. He is, as far as I can tell, pretty comfortable physically, and very very loved.

I just don't know how to deal with the fact that Grandpa is going on a trip without me and I'll never get to see him again, or hear his voice, or hug him. It's killing me on the inside, and it HURTS.

I can't imagine how my Aunts and Uncles feel, or how Grandma feels. I'm afraid to ask. But I wish I could do a huge group hug, and never let go.

SO. *uncomfortable silence* If you wanted to know how I'm doing, that pretty much sums it up. As an aside, it should probably be noted that I am dealing with fairly debilitating depression and have been for a while. All I am good for now is hiding out in my little house and petting the cats. That's about it. Oh! And hugs. I'm still good for that. It should also be noted that I have been *trying* to still make stuff. It is a bright spot in a sea of darkness. I try to infuse each piece I make with some good, HAPPY, juju. Baby steps, right?